Are celebs out of reach for commoners?

Examiner Staff Writer 8/27/08

Maybe you’ve seen that commercial where a young woman wearing a “Phelps Phan” T-shirt misses her chance to meet Baltimore’s Favorite Son because her phone “doesn’t get any bars” where she lives. She would go psycho at the thought of meeting him; her head would probably explode if she could go out on a date with him. Is such a prospect just the province of fantastical ads and our dreams? Are celebrities like Michael Phelps, Katie Hoff and the like beyond the grasp of we mere mortals?

DAN: Yes, they are. Like Fitzgerald’s comment about the rich, the famous are very different from you and me. The media (and through them, the world) is interested in them. They are not interested in you, Edith K. of Flapjack, North Dakota, despite your attempts at gaining attention through your “Great Salt Shakers of the Midwest” blog and your mother’s assurance that “any man would be happy with you.” Sure, so long as “any man” encompasses the socio-economic spectrum where bathroom attendants and the guy who squeegees your windshield dwell. Besides, if there were an actual formula for winning the hearts of the Pittses and the Jolies, I would have marketed it and be living with my girlfriend, Gillian Anderson. But that’s just me. This week, we’ve asked Blane Bachelor, an award-winning writer and editor who pens a weekly advice column, “Ask a Bachelor” (askabachelor.com) for Atlanta’s The Sunday Paper, to offer her insights.

BLANE: First off, Dan, it’s refreshing to hear a man fantasize over a woman whose TV alter-ego is more about brains than beauty. But on to my point. There’s also a big-picture element at work here: how celebrity-obsessed our culture has become, which has translated into an increasing number of the aforementioned “mere mortals” believing we have a real shot at rubbing plenty more than elbows with celebs. Think about it. With the sea of celebrity magazines, blogs, TV shows, and everyone and their brother shooting photos and videos of stars doing things like digging out their earwax while waiting at the drive-through, it’s easier than ever for an average Jane or Joe to actually believe they know the “real” Justin Timberlake or Miley Cyrus or Michael Phelps, and that if they could meet them just once, they’d be together. It’s a new technological twist on an old concept: groupies.

JOAN: I actually have a Michael Phelps connection. I taught water aerobics at Meadowbrook Swim Club (where Michael trained) for 13 years and watched him grow from a skinny little tadpole to a mature man. It was clear he was special at an early age and was being groomed for great things. So ladies, if you live in Baltimore and want to snatch a date with him, pay the membership fee and slip him a note.

BLANE: Clever idea, though I bet he’s already buried in mountains of fan mail from women. I can just imagine some of the creative attempts, from the innocent (“Your butterfly gives me butterflies”) to the downright naughty.

DAN: Joan, you’ve struck upon two ways to weasel your way into a celebrity’s orbit. One, know them. Be fortunate enough to have grown up with Norma Jeane Mortenson before she became Marilyn Monroe. Two, do your research. I doubt it was an accident that Kelly Geer’s mom knew where a young Cal Ripken Jr. liked to dine, then walked up to him, asked for his autograph and began pitching her daughter like a seasoned matchmaker.

JOAN: Speaking of pitching ... remember that Orioles pitcher Jim Palmer met his second wife in the produce department at a Giant. See, real people sometimes meet stars in public places.

DAN: That only serves to make my point, which is there are few ways to gain access to celebrities beyond sheer luck. I once dated a woman whose brother was married to Julia Roberts’ sister. So, if I had married this woman, that would have made me Julia’s … absolutely nothing. Most of us will just have to settle for daydreaming and the fact that the celebrity is a “MySpace Friend.”

Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of "Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate."

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